Monday, December 21, 2009
Everyday my heart breaks a little bit more. The more I see Kyra with Jearshon the more it hurts. I give him more tasks than usual so they spend as little time together as possible. I don't talk to Jearshon anymore. Its easier to not kill him that way. She loves him. I know she does. We don't talk much anymore either. Its too awkward. She knows I feel more than just friendship towards her. We have made it a fourth of the way to where the he lives. I'm getting anxious. I want to be on my own again. Its a race. Its of up most importance that we reach him before his messangers. Surprising him is paramount. We have been off Mount Sarton for a while now. Our journey is starting to get dangerous. He has a lot of loyal friends who are constantly trying to protect him. I kill everyday. Its so routine. I almost enjoy it. No one we come in contact with is close to my skill level in fighting. It numbs my emotions. I cry less when I kill. The other day we lost someone. I wasn't too fond of him but I took the responsibilty of burying him. Arrow through the temple. Instant death. Thats not how I want to go. I like physical pain. Each day is getting more dangerous. We are moving at a very fast pace. We sleep in houses. I threaten villagers to give up their houses for the night. They submit with little protest. I assign people to which house they sleep in. We use as few houses as possible. Kyra and Jearshon never sleep in the same house and one always sleeps in the same house as me. It annoys them but they can't do anything about it. They're scared of me. I get more and more angry everyday. Everyone is scared of me. I break things. I kill non threatening people. Its the only way to numb the pain. Tonight Kyra is sleeping in the same house as me. Jearshon is sleeping with a village family. Early in the morning we prepare to depart. Head counts are necessary multiple times a day. One is missing. I see Kyra looking around for someone. Jearshon is no where to be found. I send a group to go get him from the house he was sleeping in. He tries my patience every time he has a chance to. I could have expected him to be late. The group comes back. He's not there. I go to the house to interrogate the family of Jearshons where abouts. Kyra comes along. They act nervous in my presence. Thats natural. Most people do. They are more nervous and fidgety than usual. I get suspicious. I ask them where Jearshon is. They said he left in the middle of the night to meet the girl. Thats a lie. I slept in front of the door of the house Kyra and I were sleeping in. No one came in. No one went out. I tell them I know they killed him. I pull my sword from my sheath. I hear a few whimpers. I tell them if they don't admit to committing the murder I'll kill them. They tell me how they killed him. They poisened him so he'd sleep through anything. The minute his head hit the pillow they slit his throat. I am angry. Jearshon was a good friend and an even better fighter. I look at Kyra. She is distraught. I see the look on her face. She expects me to kill them. I look her in the eyes for a long minute. Neither of us blink. I shake my head and walk out of the house. I get on my horse and ride away leaving Kyra to cry alone.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Girls couldn't keep Kyra warm enough at night. As much as I hated the idea of her sleeping with another man, it was the only option. I chose who she would sleep with. Jearshon has been my best friend since Chaysin died. He knows I love her. He would only do what was absolutely necessary to keep her warm, safe, and alive. Nothing more. Or so i thought. We started our descent from the summit a couple of weaks back. Its not cold anymore. Its actually warm enough to sleep without bedding at night. Sleeping in couples is no longer needed. Most people have gone back to sleeping alone. Jearshon and Kyra are still sleeping together. The way he looks at her has changed. He plays games with her and teases her. I can't stand it. The worst part is the way she now looks at him. She teases him back and goes along with his games. I'm very observant and I'm not stupid. I can see whats going to happen if I don't stop it. Kyra can sense the tense feelings between me and Jearshon whenever shes around. She has seen me watching them with a look of disgust sweeping across my face. Her intuition senses whats going to happen soon. One night when were relaxing around the fire. She approaches me. She makes small conversion to make things less awkward. Then she starts on what she really came to talk to me about. She tells me she knows I don't like whats going on between her and Jearshon. She thinks I'm going to physically harm him. The old me would. I've changed. I told her I won't hurt him and I'm not planning to. Its his decision if hes going to get hurt or not. I let a couple of days pass so things can settle down a bit. One day when we are taking a water break I pull Jearshon away from everyone for a second. I see the look of horror on his face. He knew there would be a consequence. I start off telling him I'm not planning on hurting him. He calms down a bit. I ask him what he is doing. What his intentions with Kyra are. He tells me he has fallen in love with her and he is pretty sure she has fallen for him as well. I feel my heart tear a little. He says he only moved in because he thought that my feelings had changed towards her. He thought thay if I could physically hurt her there is no way I could feel the same way about her. I tell him about my dream. He gets a panicked look on his face. If I force him to tell her he can't be with her she will be crushed and my chances with her would be slim to none. If I leave it alone and let the fire between them get out of control I'll never have a chance. Then I would have nothing to fight for. This whole journey would have been a waste of time and a waste of lost lives. I know the only thing I can do is leave it. If she isn't happy I'm not happy. If I'm not happy I'll start with my old ways again. I tell him that if he breaks her heart I'll kill him. He looks at me with a look of relief and gratitude. I tell him to leave me. I think about crying. I want to but that won't get me anywhere. I gather my emotions and join the group again. We move on. Kyra joins Jearshon on his horse. A tear slips for my eye. I wipe it away. No one notices.